Setbacks and catastrophising vs new possibilities

Nearly two weeks ago I was on my way to the start of the TCR. I had all the kit, some training, and a plan.

But three days into the race with barely 250km covered I had to scratch. I had a pressure sore developing, training might have helped this but maybe not. I’m not gonna dwell on whether I could have changed that.

I was racing as a part of a pair, so my injury also caused my husband to have to scratch from the race too. He was very supportive, and we agreed that we couldn’t continue. But we disagreed about what to do next, eventually we settled on hiring a car and driving to the Pyrenees to attempt some of the cycling we had planned there.

We stayed in Lourdes (nice cycle way towards the tourmalet but not a place I’d recommend to stay).

I had recovered quite a bit after three days off the bike, and felt ready to take on something. Rob was keen to ride the Col du Tourmalet, the highest road pass in the Pyrenees. 18km of 7-10% gradient reaching 2115m. It would be the biggest climb I’d ever done, I was daunted to say the least.

Somehow I convinced myself to start ( with lots of positive support from Rob). I was well rested and the early 250km ride had around 4000m of climbing, so I was nicely trained too. My bike was heavy, but well geared for the climb. The weather was perfect, warm but not hot, and it cools by 1°c each 100m and I had 1800m to climb.

The first few km passed without too much trouble, I had climbed shorter but equally as steep mountains just a few days before, and I knew how I’d felt at the top, so I ate through the first 3km without too much trouble. Had a rest, then continued for another 2km, a bit more puffed and ready for some lunch. I checked my map and the small town of Baréges was about a km ahead so I pushed on and stopped for a well deserved croque monsieur and fanta. It was actually a bit chilly in the shade, so we we’re keen to get going again and I quickly warmed up in the afternoon sun. In fits and starts I progressed up passed Super Baréges ski station, and then a small cafe about 5km from the top was a very welcome respite. I was starting to feel a little breathless with the thin air, but I was also buoyant as with only 5km to go and 500m of climbing I knew I could complete the climb. Then 2km from the top the road went around a hairpin and suddenly I was next a very steep drop, I don’t like heights and I started to panic. I was working hard and could feel the panic rising. I had to get off and walk, the road was at it’s steepest. I tried to get back on, managed a few hundred meters and then got scared again. With 1km to go I sent Rob off to finish the climb, the road switched back so I was next to the rock face rather than the drop, but it also went up to 13% when I had nothing left physically or mentally to push myself to that level. I tried to cycle and couldn’t, do I walked it. I made it to the top, maybe not exactly the way I wanted but I got there. I had cycled up the Tourmalet, one of only 6000ish women who have recorded it on Strava, one of the most iconic climbs, something I thought was outside my abilities.

What I realized is that my earlier failure in the TCR had still led to me completing this epic climb. I wouldn’t have tried it without the TCR, without failing at the TCR. And so in pondering what this means in other areas of my life where I need to be brave and bold and try things that I might not succeed at, there will be successes and failures, but I do have to try and be brave.

So my next brave step might not be cycling, but I won’t let fear hold me back. Maybe I won’t succeed, maybe I’ll suffer an injury, but just maybe it will inspire me to try something new and open up new possibilities.