Misnamed and mistreated

So I’ve just been on a call, I can’t really talk about the purpose of the call as it wouldn’t be appropriate to share some of the details as they were not about me. But I do want to share how lousy I felt after some relatively minor poor handling of the matter by the other parties on the call.

So, on this call the other party had to apologise for getting my name wrong, when investigating a matter where the substantive complaint was that I had been omitted from their report. So, in simpler terms they had ignored me and then when apologising for that, they got my name wrong. Which felt like a kick in the teeth and so on todays call, whilst I did deserve an apology for further poor treatment, the apology I got was poorly timed and actually added to my poor treatment leaving me feeling insignificant and unappreciated. Rather than write to me directly and apologise, they thought bringing it up in the middle of another matter would be a good idea. I felt belittled and demeaned. I cried when I got off the call. How hard is it to get someone’s name right? And if a mistake happens reach out and sincerely apologise, don’t bring it up in the middle of another meeting.

Now people get your name wrong all the time, I have a name that can easily be misspelt and I’m not normally that bothered, although I do wonder how someone can type my email address correctly and then mistype my name just underneath. This was different, this was about fair treatment and so in arguing that they had treated me fairly they showed how little respect they had for me by repeatedly using the wrong name. Now some of you might have come across this concept before, it is a microagression that is more commonly seen in cases of racism, mispronouncing a name or renaming someone to something ‘easier’. It is bullying, maybe unconsciously but it is bullying.

I object

At another point on the same call, a point was made about getting consent to share information with me, with a reference to GDPR being a reason to withhold this information. Again, I can’t go into the specifics without revealing stuff I don’t want to share publicly. But I can tell you that I strongly disagreed with their assessment of the situation and rationale for their questionable actions. In challenging this, I was talked over repeatedly by the chair, now I understand it is his job to chair the meeting, but it also his job to ensure that all parties are heard and when people start quoting law, without qualifications and showing clear biased behaviour, it is not the chairs job to silence the injured party. Think of it like raising an objection in court, people can’t spout nonsense and hold court without being challenged. And in his attempt to silence me, he added to the demeaning treatment and feelings of belittlement that I had experienced already. How this should have been handled was to allow me to log my objection and return to it later, not to talk over me and try to silence me. That reinforced the poor treatment, the discrimination.

Powerlessness

Being bullied, being discriminated against is new to me, I’ve been lucky maybe or oblivious before. But being bullied is hard, it forces you into being a victim, I haven’t done anything to deserve this poor treatment. In fact I believe the underlying cause is unconscious bias against someone else, and I am collateral damage. Which exacerbates my feelings of helplessness, I am one step removed from the discrimination, I am being bullied, unconsciously, because of my association with someone else. I guess I can take solace in the fact it is not me, I have not done anything wrong, nor do I deserve this treatment. But that does leave me with the feeling of powerlessness as I have no control over this situation, I cannot change it as it is not within my gift to do that.

So I am writing about it, well typing. My first reaction was to cry, I let that out, tears and all, I ranted a bit and now I’m writing. I also ate some fizzy blue raspberry bottles (the sour ones that make your eyes pop) and I contemplated drinking a bottle of wine. I haven’t had a drink for six months except a glass of fizz at my wedding, I didn’t mind having a drink to celebrate, but I don’t think bullying is a good reason to drink, so I’m sticking to the soft stuff. And writing about how I feel.

Forgiveness and growth

I feel angry, annoyed, hurt. I feel myself on the drama triangle, persecuting those who wronged me, feeling sorry for myself wanted to be rescued, offering useful advice to rescue those who know no better. But I need to be an adult and actually see this for what it is. Someone got my name wrong and apologised badly, they probably are unconsciously biased against me or my associate, but that is their issue and will limit their life. I believe that I can rise above this and I will learn from it. I have learnt how harmful getting someone’s name wrong can be, and how a poorly timed apology can make it worse. I forgive them.

The chair was doing what he thought was best, I might drop him a line to let him know my views, I might not. I forgive him too.

In fact the reflections I’ve had in writing this have shown me what I was meant to learn from this experience. I bet I’ve got names wrong and that’s hurt people, I’ll try to be better too.