I’m too scared to say this out-loud
When I grow up, I want to be a health influencer. Saying that still makes me squirm! I’m 43 and retraining. It feels safe admitting that I don’t want to be an accountant, and I don’t want to be ordinary is ok. That’s not vulnerable. But admitting that I want to be a health influencer makes me feel very vulnerable. I want to be a yoga teacher, a nutrition expert, I want to inspire people to be healthy and happy. I want to do this on stage, face-to-face online. I want to be youtuber. (I can feel the shame even re-reading this sentence!)
But I’m scared. I’m scared of saying this out loud and being judged. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of being bad at something. I’m scared of getting it wrong. And I’m scared that I might not like it.
I don’t really get why. I have already learnt this lesson in running. In order to run a 5k, I have to first run/walk a 5k, I have to come last (or at least be anxious about coming last), I have to do it badly. That journey led me to completing not one but two Ironman triathlons. And inspiring one of my best friends to also complete three ironmans all across Europe.
It feels really unsettling
I have experienced this fear of loss of identity, fear of vulnerability, fear of starting something new before. What might surprise you is that I experienced it when trying to lose weight. Let me tell you what I mean. I had tried all of the yo-yo diets, some with success, some without, but I’d always end up going back to my old ways and put the weight back on. I think my main motivation for wanting to lose weight was to ‘look better’ and that would work for a while, I might even lose some weight and ‘look better’ but then I’d fall back into old habits and the weight would come back. This cycle was frustrating. So I did some thinking. What I actually did was think about what I wanted out of my life and how I wanted it to be. What surprised me was that I wasn’t that bothered about how I looked, maybe that shouldn’t have been a surprise as I’d been overweight all of my life and accepted that many years ago. I identified as a fat person. But I did want to be healthy, I saw how my weight and my lifestyle were stopping me doing things. In fact, my attitude was to say ‘no’ more than it was to say ‘yes’. So I started saying ‘yes’ to things more often, when someone said shall we do this, I said ‘yes’ even though I was scared. It was amazing, I tried all sorts of things; golf, climbing, concerts, foods and loved them, even the things I didn’t love, I learnt from. For example I said yes to being in the panto, I said yes to going to yoga classes, I said yes to going on holiday with friends.
There was still something holding me back. But I could see this barrier now. I could see a version of me that wanted to be healthy, sporty even! I’d never considered myself sporty. And there was the version of me I was being right now, who did not prioritise her health, who ate badly, drank too much, was not emotionally well-regulated. But strangely I had discovered cycling, I was regularly cycle commuting and enjoying it. And other people started to see me as a cyclist, they’d ask me for advice on bikes and clothing, which I found very odd, I wasn’t sporty, why were they asking me?
Choosing healthy me
So my moment of realisation came when I had said ‘yes’ to going bouldering. I wasn’t very good, I’d cycled to the indoor climbing wall, but on the way I’d had a pint at a pub with some of my work colleagues. I’m pretty sure you all can work out that climbing after drinking is not a good idea. And surprise! I fell and landed badly and damaged my ACL in my left knee. This left me on crutches for two months, unable to cycle. I realised I was trying to live two lives. My old unhealthy, partying at my own expense life and new healthy life. Given the incapacity I was experiencing I had time to think about what I wanted for the future. Did I want gradually reducing physical capacity or did I want to extend my health-span (which is a term that’s become popular since). My partner at the time had a degenerative condition which further focussed my thinking and I realised that in order for us to live our best lives I needed to embrace being healthy.
But there was a huge scary barrier. I wasn’t healthy, I didn’t identify as being healthy. I wasn’t sporty, in fact I was very comfortable being unhealthy, being overweight. I was scared of being healthy. I was scared that people wouldn’t talk to me, I was scared of being judged, I was scared I would fail and be embarrassed. Going even deeper, I was scared I wouldn’t like myself. I think this came from childhood interactions with ‘sporty girls’ who were generally quite mean to me. I remember being bullied in PE when I jumped on the trampoline, two nasty girls started making a fuss about how much the trampoline went down when I jumped on it. I thought about the mean skinny girls excluding me from their cliques at school, I thought about sagging skin and how my face would change and whether I’d like it. I had a lot of hang-ups about losing weight. I was worried I’d have to give up my favourite foods, I was worried people would see through me being healthy and see the fat girl. I was worried I would be a different person, a person I didn’t know and worried that I might not like. Afterall, the evidence pointed to be skinny girls being mean. Did I really want to be one of them. Frankly it was terrifying.
Knowledge is power though, so being aware of these concerns, rationalising some of them and thinking about why I did want to do this, gave me a pathway to change. I talked to my partner about my fears, which he thought were rather silly. This was partly because he’d always been incredibly skinny, and probably because they were a bit irrational. But they were my fears and I was scared. But guess what I did it anyway. I faced into what if I became that healthy person, sporty Claire. (I’m grimacing thinking of her).
Somethings will happen, you will discover that your friends are friends with the old version of you. That doesn’t mean they will stop being your friend, but if you change who you are, then your relationship with them will also change and likely you will lose some friends. In fact I’ve recently lost touch with a friend on nearly 20 years I think because of this. Our interests grew further apart, our conversations more strained, less and less in common, the history we shared become less and less relevant and our lifestyles just not compatible. It is sad and it can be difficult, but if you truly want to change then accepting these things is part of the journey. You will make new friends too. In fact a thought to hold close is that you haven’t yet met all of the people who will love you.
Where am I now. I now identify as a ‘sporty’ person. I run, I cycle, I swim. My circle of friends know me as an active person. When I am exercising regularly (which is not all the time) I am emotionally well regulated, I have great sleep and I generally eat quite healthily (but I do like a treat from time to time). I still struggle with imposter syndrome when I’m with healthy people. This manifest as me being quiet and not sharing my achievements (did I say I’m a double ironman finisher!). I run a bike shop and I organise sportives, I also am a founding member of our local running club and often coach the session. So I still have work to do reconciling my identity, with my reality and my goals. My weight it better, it’s not a focus for me most of the time now except when I was to achieve a new sporting goal. So I’m currently training for an ultra-cycling race called the TCR and it would be beneficial for me to weigh less to be able to cycle up the mountains quicker. It’s not about how I look it’s about achieving a goal. I’m not anxious about how I’ll look afterwards or what people will think anymore (although I’m sure I’ll have that imposter syndrome on the start line).
What I’ve learnt and why I want to share it with you
So I want to be healthy when I grow up and I want to inspire other people to be healthy too. I want them to recognise what is holding them back. Are they concerned about a lose of identity? Scared of who they’ll turn into if they make the change? Scared of failing? My advice is to acknowledge the fear and do it anyway. I know I can do hard things and getting healthy is hard, but being unhealthy is also hard, so chose your hard and make sure it gives you what you want when you grow up.
I am still an accountant, at least for the time-being. But I am also becoming a health champion, let me know how I can help you be more healthy. Follow me on youtube, facebook, let me know if you’d like me to speak at your event or if you’d like to come cycling or running with me on one of our events. I’ll let you know when I’ve completed my yoga teacher training and my nutrition studies too.
I want to be healthy when I grow up. I hope you do to. I’ve learnt some of this the hard way, but I want to help you through it too. Don’t be scared of letting go our your old identity, future you is waiting to be revealed.
Some resources that helped me on my journey
Pathetic Triathletes Facebook Group
Pretty Gritty – Women’s coaching
Signing up to various sportives and events – check out our sportive here
A big thank you to my friends along the way who encouraged me, some of whom I’ve lost touch with but you were there for me when I needed you and you’ll always be awesome.
LIFE'S BUMPY RIDE 
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